On the Democratic side, HILLARY CLINTON, who was the FRONT RUNNER based on her EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE being married to her HUSBAND, BILL CLINTON, totally got pulverized in Iowa by BARACK OBAMA, who has been a U.S. SENATOR for like FIFTEEN MINUTES during which he acquired many NEW IDEAS such as CHANGE. Also he has a supporter named DICK HARPOOTLIAN, which has to be one of the best supporter names ever. JOHN EDWARDS, a MULTIMILLIONAIRE LAWYER who stands for POPULISM, faltered despite having the best HAIR. Both JOE BIDEN and CHRIS DODD dropped out of the race because they had, between them, a total of maybe one SUPPORTER, and he was no DICK HARPOOTLIAN. Remaining in the race because they are still HOPEFUL, meaning DELUSIONAL, are BILL RICHARDSON, MIKE GRAVEL (yes, ''MIKE GRAVEL'') and of course DENNIS KUCINICH, who will keep running until he is felled by a TRANQULIZER DART.
On the Republican side, the big Iowa winner was MIKE HUCKABEE, who believes in MORAL VALUES and lost 100 POUNDS and plays the BASS and has the support of CHUCK NORRIS, who has a HOT WIFE and can break down your FRONT DOOR using only his FOREHEAD. The big loser was MITT ROMNEY, who finished second despite having MONEY and ORGANIZATION and the second-best HAIR and an estimated FOUR HUNDRED ATTRACTIVE CLONE SONS. Finishing third was FRED THOMPSON, who has been on TELEVISION and also has a HOT WIFE, although political observers agree she is not as hot as CHUCK NORRIS' WIFE. (It is not known at this time whether DICK HARPOOTLIAN has a wife, and, if so, how hot she is.) Other names we should mention here in capital letters are JOHN McCAIN, RUDY GIULIANI, RON PAUL, DUNCAN HUNTER (yes, ''DUNCAN HUNTER'') and DICK HARPOOTLIAN.